3:11:30:30

Hi :) I've been here in this hellhole since February and this month marks the 9th month. And throughout this experience, I've learned a lot of things. I think before the winter break, i had the world at my feet. I had friends. I had my personal great wall of China, concrete pillars that held me up, a backbone and a heart.

But i lost it all,

along the way.

God is great.

He found me someone who loves me.

So here i got myself a soulmate, a better half.

Someone who is willing to change for me,

do things other people won't do to save their lives.

My heart found its own twisted way to piece itself together.

He completed me.

And then i got back the one person who i thought i have lost.

Tight, but not as tight as we are now.

My brother, an amazing creation.

I know sisters who would die for this bond.

 I had the relatives visiting,

reminding me that

"Hey, you're not alone!"

And then i had a very good birthday.

Which was made possible by only the most wonderful people.

Salt and pepper, they say.

I don't know which i am,

but i sure love the aftermath of the blend.

Thank you.

But i know this is all not possible without the one person who got me in this shit in the first place. And still despite it all, agreed (or maybe had no other choice) to listen through all the nonsense i had to say and offer more hands than she can offer to pick me up from every little corner that i deemed the perfect hide out. I can't freaking find a picture of her and it's driving me nuts because i have to get my assignment done.

But, she is mommy! :)

All this doesn't change the fact that i still feel like crap,

most of the days.

But without all of you,

I'd be less than the nothing that i am.

I'm grateful for helping me get through this year.

Grateful that you guys didn't leave 

like the few who chose to.

For choosing to understand me instead,

thank you.

Thank you.. :)

No words, no words.

No words at all.

These are mai fillings :')

Babai, xx.

9:09:37:56

The soothing sound of the spinning fan right above me, and the familiar warmth of the place i call home. It's not a long wait until i'm sitting on that wooden chair again, hugging my knees to my chest. Yet, i die trying to be patient. 

I haven't left this bed for two whole days. I've decided that i should take a walk tmr but it's the time of the month again, and that really cuts the mood for anything. I have my final assignment due next Friday (which all attempts of starting have failed so far) and then i'll be hopping on the next plane back to KL.

I was actually starting to worry about the way i've been reacting to petty things lately. I thought that i'd started to grow bitter over these couple of weeks. At least now i know i only have one thing to blame :) "It's a girl thing," I'd say. But still, i'm truly sorry if i was a pain in the ass.

I don't know why i even chose a time like this to blog. High chance of this being a bunch of bullshit because i'm in the midst of a battle with tummy cramps and emotional issues. Now that i've mentioned, i'm gonna take off and finish the rest of my day being unproductive.

Have a good night, peeps.

xx

Gwaenchanseumnidaa

Hi :) i know it's been a long time since i've bothered to update but like i've said before, i'm going to try taking this as something that matters again. Well, this time, i hope i find something that keeps me going because i obviously haven't found that inner drive i used to possess. 

This is not going to be surprising but since i've stopped blogging, i completely lost touch of how to string together a simple sentence and to keep the flow of my essays. I think by sections and they come together as a very incoherent piece. It's a shame that as i age, my writing worsens. I wouldn't like to think it's all downhill from here.

Anyway, here comes the same ol' grandma updates of how i have been keeping up with life in Melbourne. It's been like 3 months since the last trip back to Malaysia? God, time passes too slow for me. I've been cave-dwelling. The only people i spend my time with is my brother and his bunch of friends. I guess since June i was officially out of the social circle.

Many times i feel like i've lost myself along this journey. A part of me hopes that i never made this decision of coming to Melbourne but a part of me actually sadistically enjoys the isolation. I can't even remember the last time i saw a friend on purpose, not taking into account the surprising bump-ins on the streets because it's only weird when it doesn't happen.

Melbourne is a freaking small place. There's really no way of escaping reality. I should've thought this through better than i did. Not only did this fail to bring my any benefit, it also destroyed all the things i once held so dear to me back in KL.

I'm a mess.

I guess it's time to wake up

and attend to what i've become.

Thanks SZS for still having faith in me.

Sadly, you're alone.

xx

Pickles and Berries :)

Pointless rallies call for boring days indoors. Attempted going for dinner on Friday with Kimmy and his relatives and got stuck in a jam for God knows how long. Refused to go out yesterday and today after going through hell so have been spending time at home doing practically nothing.

It's my last weekend in Malaysia and i have five more days left til i fly off to Melbourne. Still can't believe this is how i'm spending the last few days of my time in Malaysia. It's surprising that i haven't been clubbing since i got back but it actually feels fine. I'm sorry if i haven't been giving enough attention to anybody cause i've been devoting everything to SEE YU-BOONEEEE :)

I love youuuu :)

bu yao shen qi laaa.

xx

Your love, it gives me strength :)

Hi :) it's been awhile now. I had a great week. Left for holiday to Penang with the boyfie and his family on last Thursday morning. Great trip, great trip. So much fun, no doubt! Stayed at Sungai Petani a night before spending the next two at Penang. Sat on the jetski for the first time in my life all three days. It was a great experience but made me feel so lousy for not trying these things out earlier in life. I'm such a bore and a stick in the mud. I think i've said that before, too many times.

Sadly left Penang on a Sunday night and crashed at the boyfriend's for a night. Got special treatment the next day. I must have been behaving pretty well. He cooked porridge for lunch and then we headed out for Transformers at Pyramid. He bought me a dress, the sweetest thing. I'm still waiting for a day where i can wear it and not look like a fool :) Had dindin at ManhattanFishMarket before he sent me home and called it a night. 

And then this afternoon he took me out for Korean BBQ. Brought back the whole nostalgia of being in Melbourne and having Korean twice every week. Kimmy practically whacked most of the food cause i was stuffed after the first dish. Headed back to his for my nap before going out again for badminton. I fed mosquitoes while he sweat it out. It was hell but honestly..

I'd do it all over again :)

Picture update:

Thank you for all that you've done for me. I know it's been hard for us but you've always been capable of assuring us. You think that you're not strong enough for the both of us but in time you'll see that you are. I believe in you. I love you baby :)

Always,

xx.

On the verge

So it's been awhile since i got back but i honestly miss Melbourne like crazy. Not that there's much waiting for me back there but i want the house to myself so that i can do whatever the fuck i want. Everything's so dull here and being tied in chains is a big change compared to how things were down under. Not that mom and dad makes a fuss about what i do but still, it's got some difference. I'm surprised that i'm at a complete loss for words. I'm gonna find something more worth my time.

xx 

Another long break calls for another long story :)

Oh, it's not right. This feels so surreal, prolly more surreal than when i tripped over nothing and fell flat on my face with my pink printed dress flipped over the back of my head. I actually can sleep at night and know that i have something to wake up for the next morning. It's not one of those unbearable, dreaded days. I don't want to lose this again, just like i did a few months ago. Infact now if i go anywhere further from here, i'd be losing more than what i did. I shouldn't have put myself in this position yet sometimes i think it's worth my every second. But then i'm putting my heart on a string, a string so thin that even a slight touch my break it. Does that even make sense? Feeling happy yet even more scared that i've got so much to lose.

These weeks are gonna fly by like me on the plane back home. That is a seriously scary thought. But as of now, i shouldn't be so busy worrying about nonsensical stressed up shit. I shouldn't be so caught up in embracing that very heartbreaking moment. I should be doing something else, shouldn't i? Enjoy this, maybe. It's a pleasure to be here and have everything i love surrounding me. 

I have this..

What more do i need again?

xx